I go through these cycles/phases in my life where I hyper-focus on certain ideas, thoughts, or decisions. I am currently focused on the idea of insecurities that lead to apologies- I have noticed this cycle in my life, over the course of my entire life, actually, where I move to a dark place of insecurity then I apologize over and over for everything which leads me into more insecurity. It’s a vicious circle.
I was apologizing to people who meant nothing to me, I was apologizing for my past mistakes and I was apologizing for my successes! Yes, even my successes!! I would apologize for not picking something and instead focusing on what I felt I needed to be focusing on and, in turn, I would apologize for not being able to juggle both my current success and the projects or people that were moved on to the back burner. Talk about feeling robbed of the enjoyment of my hard work!
I also found myself really impacted by those around me and their thoughts of me. I felt that I had to apologize for not taking their advice, apologize for living life the way I needed to live it based on my situation at the time, and most of all I had to apologize for being a human being that straight up has made some shitty decisions- shitty decisions that lead me to amazing places.
I made a conscious decision a few weeks ago to work really hard at not apologizing. When I need to say “NO” I say No without an apology attached to it. Let me just say, that is hard to do! However, once I started doing it I felt better about myself. I felt more confidence and I felt like I had ownership of my choices and statements.
I am not saying that apologizing is something that should never be done. Quite to the contrary, I am a believer in saying sorry when it is necessary. After becoming more aware of the times I was saying sorry when not necessary it made the apologies that I did need to give more meaningful.
Tying this back to the insecurities… I feel like my insecurities and the pressure to be better and compete with those around me has been a huge issue in my life. I have always felt the pressure to be the person that was the best, smartest, right (all the time), and have endless energy and creativity… and never make a mistake. That kind of pressure and fear of failing is what fed my insecurities and would lead to the apologies. I am growing each and every day and learning a little more about life and I am coming to terms with finding happiness in not being the best at everything. Humility goes so much further then I ever thought it would and it makes you a more enjoyable person. That is what I want- I want to be make it while being a friendly, humble, and loving person and I want the same for those around me… because at the end of the day we all deserve to celebrate our successes, apology free.
Have you ever experienced something like this? How did you address it?